The Chronicles of Awesomeness Part 1

Here's something I wrote awhile back that is pretty good shit. Dig it or fail. I wrote this when I was like 16 which just goes to show how fucking cool I was when I was sixteen. Imagine how goddamn awe-inspiring I must be now at the age of almost 19. Suck it.

The Chronicles of Awesomeness

There once was a mighty pirate named Nicodemus the Irate. The conquests and kick-ass adventures that he had racked up over his 900 year reign as Cheif Pirate of Ass-Stomping are the stories of legend. These are a select few of these mind-blowing, ass-pwning tales.



Chapter 1: The Only Man to Ever Challenge Nicodemus(and his brutal death)

Nicodemus the Irate was scouring the seas looking for a port island so that his crew could rest up for the next skull-craking adventure. The closest island to them was that of Hispanola. Nicodemus was pleased with this because the island of Hispanola happens to be the home of the most beautiful, boner-inducing women that God(a.k.a Chuck Norris) ever dared to create. However, Hispanola was also the home of a man that Nicodemus hated even more than that gay piece of crap The Notebook. A man(if I may be so bold as to call him that) who was Native American by the name of Wrestles with Nude Men. Just as the name suggests, Wrestles with Nude Men was the most flamming homosexual that the world had ever known.

Nicodemus had to be on his guard because Wrestles was very good at the art of hiding and one of his favorite pasttimes was to sneak up on unsuspecting, God's(Chuck Norris's) law abiding straight men and procede to ram their anal cavity with his penis. Nicodemus's crew finally pulled into the port and began to look for a tavern. There are lots of loose women and plenty of beer so naturally this would be a great attraction to Pirates. They came upon a tavern known as the Rusty Trombone and proceded in. Nicodemus sat down at the bar and ordered the manliest drink there is: BAWLS with pure 100% alcohol on fire. After taking the drink and making it his tasty bitch, he proceded to find a woman that he could toss around and use as a storage facility for his wang. He finnally became satisfied and took the wench to a room where he would begin the reaming process.

When he finally heard the woman's voice, however, he knew immediatley that it was no woman, technically. It was that flamming poo-pusher, Wrestles with Nude Men. Wrestles with Nude Men was holding a knife and looking at Nicodemus in a threatening manner. Nicodemus did not flinch at all because everyone knows that gay people do not have the ability to look threatening. Wrestles with Nude Men declared that since his wiener could never enter that of Nicodemus's pooper, that he would have to kill him. Nicodemus was stuck, however, because, you see, he could not kill Wrestles with Nude Men personally because that would mean he might have to touch him. So how then did Nicodemus do away with the douche-bag? Simple, he did the one thing that gay people cannot stand. He called for his men to come to him. All of the men were dressed extremly tacky and were wearing clothes that were so last Tuesday.

Wrestles with Nude Men could not process the sight that was before him and, while in a stunned postion, Nicodemus took out his sword and sliced Wrestles with Nude Men's head right off. The shaft was still intact, but the head was clean off. When Wrestles with Nude Men realized that he would never be able to fully enjoy the sensation of raping innocent straight men again, he immediately took his knife and cut his other head off. Nicodemus was so infurriated that the tavern had allowed Wrestles with Nude Men in that, to ease the tantrum, the bar owner offered his daughter's virginity to appease Nicodemus. He accepted and took not only her virginity, but her life in the process. He then burned the bar man and told his men to rape and pillage the entire island for their insolence. They then got back onto the ship and eagerly awaited the next mind-melting, mom-fucking adventure.